PRACTICE, TO BE THE MAN I AM

Apprenticeship to Love: April 13, 2026

TODAY'S MEDITATION

So simple. So hard.

She is always too much. Her waters always too deep. And, always exactly what I need.

I am held by this too-deep ocean of love, of nourishing currents and tides and flows. Held. And, even held, afraid of drowning.

Like any man who feels himself beyond his depth, for fear of drowning I will take down with me anyone who is near. Those who are there to help me swim into this depth, they are most likely to suffer for my fear.

...

One of my regrets: I did not understand this thing, that the path to becoming myself is a the crooked path. So I missed something very important: she was my oracle, and my siren, and I needed to listen closely to the silence between us, and to the whispers of her heart. I missed that she was showing me my practice for opening up to the deep waters and the fear, not as death, but as nourishment.

...

We were out on the boat yesterday. Floating. Sharing a moment of our fear of the depths. The realm of the imaginary kraken. Or maybe it's just that it's the dark unknown. I love to swim. But the deep water...

Whenever I go into the water to swim, I dive. I want to experience the magic of flying, being held and allowed to be more than I imagine.

When I enter the deep and dark waters of her silence, however, I'm too afraid to feel the magic. I am not yet practiced enough to feel this magic. Not yet... So, more practice. Every morning, before the sun rises. In the dark, I bow to her silence as to the ocean I sail.

Is it time I bowed to her love as the ocean I swim? A dark place of unknown undercurrents that I am afraid will be be too much, will knowing always be beyond my reach? I bow, but I struggle. I feel myself afraid. I am sinking under the weight of my self doubts... I don't know how well I can swim.

And, coming up for air, coming through practice, feeling held, I am so grateful for this practice!

...

I practice, to know myself as the man I love.

I practice, and I trust myself. I am, indeed, he who must be trusted.

She is always too much, and she is always exactly what I need to know myself as enough.

TODAY’S INSPIRATIONS

🌀...your daily practice helps to energize and purify you from within, lessening the desire to look for external solutions. Your yoga practice will help you to stay present with discomforts that come up from within and give it space without having to suppress it ... You give yourself the space to feel more clearly how you react to things... (Kundalini Yoga School)

🌀The Conscious Warrior is committed to developing strength of the mind, physical body, and nervous system through dedicated physical, yogic, and meditative practice. (John Wineland)

🌀...a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust.... ( Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet)

🌀I am always impressed by you. (My beloved, my oracle, my siren)