ENJOY IT NOW (BECAUSE THIS TOO SHALL PASS)

Apprenticeship to Love: The crooked path of marriage (edited June 19, 2026; originally published June 10, 2023)

TODAY'S QUESTION

What or who needs your joy right now? What pain or discomfort can be eased with your smile, your heart open to beauty, celebration, connection?

TODAY’S MEDITATION

It’s been my nature to be drawn to solitude, all of my life. Solitude, however, is not always something I’ve been comfortable with.

Since “the fall,” that moment several years ago when I had my most recent collision with the reality of who I am and who I am not, and who I do not want to be, ever again —since “the fall” I’ve found myself more and more, and more willingly, purposefully, revelling in solitude. And silence.

There is so much to hear, here, in this silence.

There is so much to feel here, in this solitude.

It's as if all the people I’d drawn to me and been drawn to, lovely all of them in their ways, were just me distracting myself from what I yearn for, and that yearning is to feel into things much more carefully —with more care, and more fully— than I could imagine when I’m crowded with others. No matter how lovely.

...

Yesterday was a study in contrasts. I spent much of the day with someone who is silent and solitary. The evening I spent with friends who are not silent, and who are very social.

In that eveningtime I sat on the edge of the conversation. Watching. Listening. Not drawn to comment or join in.

The one moment when the conversation turned to me, when I was asked, directly, And, what have you been up to? Tell us about your teaching & etc —in that moment I felt like that deer in the headlights: Where to turn for safety?

I did not want to say anything. I had no words.

I ended up mumbling something about being ”very happy." Not getting the response that would add fuel to the little campfire of conversation that my friends had going on around the table, the attention quickly turned away from me. I was allowed to withdraw to my corner at the edge of the table.

This uncomfortable situation was an event of my creation. These were good people. My friends. But I’m needing more silence and less "noise."

I feel tongue-tied and brain-dead with so much conversation these days. I have lost whatever capacity I had for what passes for socializing. Instead, I am craving the intimacy of just two or three of us. Eight or ten, like last night —I want to hide.

...

I’m not pretending that I’m a mute. I love to talk. Given the opportunity, I will fill your ears, on many topics.

But what I love more than talk is to be in those moments where I’m drawn to silence and wonder, more than silence and endurance.

These parties are about endurance, for me. Even when they are full of people I love.

…

I spent the better part of the day (and it was, indeed, the better part of the day) taxiing the one I love between appointments. Our time together was slow. Ordinary. Delicious: being together with no agenda other than service and receiving service. Grace and gratitude. Moments strung together, the combination of which becomes that uninspired and ordinary experience glowing with a deeper radiance. What I think I might call the love beyond romance. Or at least, a different kind of romance.

This seems to be what I am reaching for, by not reaching. This deeper glow that emerges from my silence and self-effacement allows. Silent depths, unfathomed but felt, enjoyed. I was allowing myself to marvel at mystery. And that was enough.

This seems to only happen in silence, solitude. It is an intimacy without demands.

…

There is a familiar magic in the “falling in love” of life. It is an overwhelming and temporary fixation of sexual and emotional intensity that marks what we commonly understand as romantic love.

This is not drawing me, now. I am wanting something that lasts. A different kind of intensity, with less drama.

Driving my beloved through her day, having bits of conversation with deep roots, roots we’ll likely never untangle, or feel the need to untangle, or even feel the call to consider untangling, I felt something draw me. It felt like happiness.

TODAY’S INSPIRATIONS

🌀What is living inside of me? What can I do to make life more beautiful? (Rosenberg)

🌀You’re not like that now. (My beloved, my oracle, my siren, she who, undoing me, reveals me)

▶ PS. NO-CHARGE FOLLOW-UP ON RETREATS AND WORKSHOPS
I still have 1 free coaching space (available on a first come basis until June 20, 2026) for anyone who has participated in a workshop or retreat with me, and would like to do a 45-minute follow up check-in. Please use this code INTIMACY2026 to book a session.